Archives for category: Relationships

Coming Home

December 3, 2015 //

It is a cold rainy night, weather to suit the somber reality of yet another mass shooting in the news. Seeking more than a meal, I wind down the road to the only restaurant in our small town. It is one of winter’s Wednesdays at the pub where folks gather to unwind mid-week, laugh a bit and enjoy our local musicians.

The warm smile of a familiar face asks if I’ll be having the usual. I opt for a change and she transitions smoothly – “I know you like one or the other.” I thank her for her attention.

Some friends are already here; others arrive as the evening unfolds. Hugs and happy repartee create a soothing background hum.

We are blessed with very talented musicians in this rural hamlet. For two hours they perform, transporting us through personal memories and shared experiences. Increasingly the patrons’ attention focuses forward on the music and the shades of our human journey. Collectively we settle into the warm embrace of our community.

The final song encapsulates the scene. Written by Karla Bonoff, known best from Bonnie Raitt’s cover and sung beautifully by our friends, it portrays the sense of belonging and return to the place of heart we call home.

Traveling at night, the headlights were bright. But soon the sun came through the trees around the next bend. The flowers will send the sweet smell of home in the breeze.

And Home, sings me of sweet things. My life there has its own wings to fly over the mountains though I’m standing still.

Winding my way back up the hill, I am refreshed, heading home from home.

Categories Personal Growth, Relationships

Forgotten Truths

November 19, 2015 //

The week has brought another wave of terror. Amplified by instantaneous images and incomplete story lines, the stark reality that millions of people live with daily penetrates the walls that distance and privilege have built for the perceived safety of others.

The root of all hate is fear, the weapon of choice that perpetrators of every ilk employ, be they sick individuals or religious and political extremists.

Love waits at the other end of the continuum, the wellspring of personal worth and our most intimate relationships. Love is the progenitor of compassion and the golden rule that summons the best in our connections among communities, cultures, nations and our planet home.

May each of us pause to revisit the core of our being that is nurtured by love and then in our own unique way raise our voice to speak our NO to fear and our YES to compassion.

Words by Daniel Martin from Life Prayers may help guide us to reclaim truths that we ignore at our peril.

We who have lost our sense and our senses – our touch, our smell, our vision of who we are; we who frantically force and press all things, without rest for body or spirit, hurting our Earth and injuring ourselves; we call a halt.

We want to rest. We need to rest and allow the Earth to rest. We need to reflect and to rediscover the mystery that lives in us, that is the ground of every unique expression of life, the source of the fascination that calls all things to communion.

We declare an Earth Holy Day, a space of quiet: for simple being and letting be; for recovering the great forgotten truths.

Categories Personal Growth, Relationships, Spirituality

True to his word

November 5, 2015 //

In April I had a phone conversation with the new exec of an organization that had retained my services for several years. In addition to congratulating him, I wanted to assess his awareness of the money they owed me.

He knew. He shared his intention to make me whole along with others to whom they were indebted. He also said it would take time. He suggested we meet this fall after he settled into his job. This week I took him up on his invitation.

We had lunch and an engaging exchange. It is evident that he has a grasp on the challenges and has a thoughtful plan for turning the organization around. It seems to be working.

Mid way through our conversation he pulled out a print out of all my invoices, payments made and the amount owed me. I confirmed. He then handed me an envelope with a check for an installment on the balance due.

Elation was my mood on the drive home. Certainly the money is welcome. Perhaps more significant is the fact that he was true to his word. Integrity is one of my top values. I believed in the organization and had invested in it during a difficult period. He believes in making good on his promise to improve the company’s financial health and retire its debt. In doing so he conveys a core value of leadership for himself, the organization and its stakeholders.

What a contrast to so much that goes on today in relationships, business and politics, where truth is often the victim of the quest to put “me” first and “the other” down. In defining who we are and what others can expect from us, our word may be our most treasured gift.

Categories Leadership, Performance, Relationships

The Presents of Presence

August 20, 2015 //

Perhaps the greatest gift we can give another person is our undivided attention. Being fully present means listening with every sense we have. It means creating a safe container to hold and honor the other person’s vulnerability in sharing.

The gift of presence is easier to describe than to do, much less sustain. Care givers are particularly vulnerable. Whether they are professionals like doctors, nurses, first-responders, therapists, etc. or family members tending children, elders or those with special needs, care givers face two challenges.

Like all of us they must manage the endless ringing bell of arrivals to our in-box, the daily barrage of data that lure our brains to sort and file. Distractions are a hazard to holding presence.

Having coached many of them, I have also found that care givers have a proclivity for self-neglect. In his meditation guide, Moment by Moment: The Art and Practice of Mindfulness, Jerry Braza quotes a nurse whose favorite slogan is “I can’t do you if I don’t do me.”

What does it mean to “do me?” How we answer will differ for each of us, but our answers will have the same goal: the more we can be present to ourselves, the more effective we will be in being available to others.

We can do three things: be mindful of our own needs, give ourselves permission to meet them and make the time required. When we recharge our batteries with rest, exercise and spiritual practice; when we expand our minds, cultivate the relationships that are most dear to us and have fun, we are better prepared to extend and sustain the gift of presence.

What is one step you can take today that will help you most to “do me?”

Categories Coaching, Performance, Relationships

Smarts or Smiles?

August 13, 2015 //

Which is more effective in solving difficult problems, a group of intellectual superstars or a team of individuals who focus on building relationships? In his latest blog Alan Seale shares the answer.

Seeking to understand what makes some groups more successful and productive than others, researchers at MIT brought together hundreds of volunteers, put them in groups and gave them very difficult problems to solve. As was expected some were more successful than others.

Contrary to expectations, the highest achieving groups were not those made up of “superstars’ or people with exceptionally high IQs. Instead, the research showed the key to success was the social interconnectedness of the people within the group.

These findings are congruent with Alan’s own work on transformational presence and leadership, and I urge you to visit his website to learn more about his teaching and coaching. Being present to another person creates a container of safety that invites sharing and taps talent.

Embedded in Alan’s blog is a TED talk presented by entrepreneur and thought leader, Margaret Heffernan. In the talk she describes the MIT studies in greater detail and makes a compelling case for how building social capital leverages organizational effectiveness.

Describing the successful groups in the study, she used a phrase that sticks with me still: Bringing out the best in others is how they found the best in themselves. Given the fissures in relationships today, be they between two individuals seeking to strengthen their partnership or tribal adversaries who must learn to coexist, this is a compelling bridge to build.

Who or what brings out the best in you? When and how do you bring out the best in others?

Categories Coaching, Leadership, Performance, Relationships

Gifts from the Herd

August 6, 2015 //

Each of us belongs to many groups; among them are families, faith communities, professional networks, political parties, tribes of origin and nations. Some are given and some we choose. They are circles whom we influence and who influence us.

At their finest these groups recognize and affirm who we are. They bring out our best. They protect us and advocate on our behalf. They celebrate collective milestones and individual life passages.

Certainly, the power of groups can also have a dark side, but those dynamics are themes for another post. Today I celebrate the gifts received from one particular group.

Last September I retired from coaching students in a two-year certification program. Created by Melisa Pearce with help from Peggy and me, the Equine Gestalt Coaching Method enables practitioners to partner with horses in helping clients break through to achieve their full potential in life. The students and graduates of the program are a professional community.

Of the many gifts I have received from this herd – including appreciation of equine wisdom, lessons in leadership and follower-ship, trust, sharing, friendship, personal growth and professional challenge – I share one today that has enabled me to develop a latent interest. Thanks to their generosity I have been able to attend a series of workshops to learn skills associated with wood-turning. I have just completed my last session which resulted in the cherry bowl pictured below.

I share it as an expression of gratitude to the EGCM herd. For me it represents the challenge, beauty and nuance of any human endeavor inspired and nurtured by a special community.

What are the gifts that you contribute to and receive from your circles of influence?

Categories Coaching, Relationships

Building Bridges of Compassion

July 23, 2015 //

The collapse of a highway bridge in California this week is a compelling image. Our failure to rebuild our crumbling infrastructure mirrors our reluctance to invest in strengthening the connections that link us inextricably to each other and all life on the planet.

Our willingness to permit the chasms of commerce, class, race, religion and politics to divide is dooming us all. Can we build bridges to withstand the forces of human nature as well as Mother Nature?

We hear the naysayers’ answer daily. Those of us who would answer YES can begin by first tending the geography of our inner landscape.

Research on the brain is confirming what the experience of millennia has taught us about ourselves. Our ability first to survive and then to thrive results from the dance between our emotions and our cognition, our “heart” and “head.” Our ability to balance the two is key. Too much feeling without a rational reality check leads us astray and vice versa.

The good news is that our literal life-giving breath provides a transformative tool. Athletes, artists, counselors and those who meditate know this well. Training expands aerobic capacity and improves our health. Deep breathing interrupts cycles of fear, reducing stress. Breathing with focus and gentle intention creates a channel of mindfulness between head and heart, a conduit that brings the wisdom of each to the other.

Gaining perspective, balance and control of our own being is the first step in cultivating life-generating relationships with others. In words from Thich Nhat Hanh, Our breath is our bridge from our body to our mind.

An informed heart is our most powerful ally in spreading compassion. May your mindful breathing today launch ripples of peace within and outward to all whom you meet.

Categories Coaching, Relationships, Spirituality

I Will Not Dishonor My Soul

July 16, 2015 //

Each day the media spins its stories of our human condition. Most often we see what sells, the dark side of our fear that leads to greed, hatred, degradation, violence and destruction. Like images in a hall of mirrors the distortions of the dark side become the reality we perceive as our nature.

It is difficult not to yield to despair in the face of the ways we treat each other and our planet. At the same time, each of us contributes to the fear / love equation by our choices each day.

I have taken to searching for those whose lives, work and writing lift up the goodness and promise of our human journey. Without messages that nourish the light of our souls, how else can we survive individually and as a species?

Diane Ackerman provides today’s inspiration, reminding me that my attitude and my actions make a difference. May you find a gem in her words to nurture your soul as well.

In the name of the daybreak and the eyelids of morning and the wayfaring moon and the night when it departs,

I swear I will not dishonor my soul with hatred, but offer myself humbly as a guardian of nature, as a healer of misery, as a messenger of wonder, as an architect of peace.

In the name of the sun and its mirrors and the day that embraces it and the cloud veils drawn over it and the uttermost night and the male and the female and the plants bursting with seed and the crowning seasons of the firefly and the apple,

I will honor all life – wherever and in whatever form it may dwell – on Earth my home, and in the mansions of the stars.

Categories Personal Growth, Relationships, Spirituality

The Power of Words

July 2, 2015 //

Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me. Taught by parents to an earlier generation of children as a defense against the cruel words of taunting peers, the verse betrays the reality. Name calling does hurt; think of the number of teen suicides in response to bullying.

The power of words is particularly evident in our cultural, religious and political conflicts. Wherever each of us stands on the spectrum of right to left, we know what phrases to expect from the other side and which are most effective for us to use from our own arsenal. Like an ice berg many of these words are code for a much larger load of assumptions and beliefs below the surface.

Take your own pulse for a moment. What thoughts or feelings come up with the following words? Flag. Second Amendment. Amnesty. Compromise. Forgiveness. #BlackLivesMatter. Marriage. Heritage. Amazing grace…

Our words help us declare who we are and what we stand for, our integrity. They can be weapons we use to defend ourselves or attack others. They also are tools for understanding, bridge building and reconciliation. The choice is ours – daily.

Words can inspire as in Rachel Remen’s contribution to Prayers for a Thousand Years, a compilation of hopeful expressions for the new millennium.

May we find each other in the silence between the words.

May we heal the loneliness of our expertise with the wisdom of our service.

May we honor in ourselves and all others the deep and simple impulse to live, to find sacred space and open land.

May we remember that the yearning to be holy is a part of everyone and the only hope for the next thousand years.

Categories Inspiration, Leadership, Personal Growth, Relationships, Spirituality

The Company of Friends

May 7, 2015 //

Friendship is one of life’s gifts. Too often in our busy-ness we may forget how important our friends are to us. May this post ring like a bell of mindfulness.

Friendship moves to the center of my awareness today, as Peggy and I prepare to join a group of companions next week. They are high school classmates and spouses. A couple of us were close as teenagers and have remained so throughout life. Most of us, however, shared the vacillating dramas of those years without much deeper contact and only reconnected at our 50th reunion five years ago. We have been journeying together ever since via phone and gatherings.

Next week we’ll spend three days in conversation, sightseeing, music, and mutual support. There will be laughter, good food and deep sharing. We’ll celebrate each other and fortify ourselves for today’s challenges and those that lie ahead.

The roots of the word companion come from the Latin, com (with) panis (bread). Literally and figuratively companions break bread together. Celebrated in the rituals of most religions and spiritual paths, meal fellowship nurtures both body and soul.

Bernie Taupin’s lyrics together with Elton John’s music capture these truths in their song Friends (1971).

It seems to me a crime that we should age. These fragile times should never slip us by.

A time you never can or shall erase, as friends together watch their childhood fly.

Making friends for all the world to see. Let the people know, you got what you need.

With a friend at hand you will see the light. If your friends are there, then everything’s all right.

Does one of your friends come to mind? Would a phone call, visit or email of gratitude be in order?

Categories Growing Older, Personal Growth, Relationships