The Work of Retirement

August 27, 2015 //

For most of us work dominates our waking hours. It defines who we are and to whom and what we belong. Work is much more than a job that provides a livelihood, although for the fortunate among us the labor that brings out our best and allows us to contribute most to others also supports us.

Work looms especially large in retirement as we face the loss of it. We leave behind decades of identifying ourselves by what we do and others’ recognition of us. Whatever we have professed to this point, the work of living shifts.

The work of living is the key, for our work in this sense does not change. Our most recent job may be ending, but the task of delineating ourselves by the way we create and share meaning does not. There is no stepping down from the occupation of living. In fact, having more time enables us to explore and create new ways to express that unique set of gifts that is our vocation.

In the example of creating poetry David Whyte inspires us to pay attention to the arriving breeze of revelation, the meaning that is our work to discover for each of the days remaining to us.

THE LIGHTEST TOUCH

Good poetry begins with the lightest touch, a breeze arriving from nowhere, a whispered healing arrival, a word in your ear, a settling into things, then like a hand in the dark it arrests your whole body, steeling you for revelation.

In the silence that follows a great line you can feel Lazarus deep inside even the laziest, most deathly afraid part of you, lift up his hands and walk toward the light.

Categories Coaching, Growing Older, Personal Growth

The Presents of Presence

August 20, 2015 //

Perhaps the greatest gift we can give another person is our undivided attention. Being fully present means listening with every sense we have. It means creating a safe container to hold and honor the other person’s vulnerability in sharing.

The gift of presence is easier to describe than to do, much less sustain. Care givers are particularly vulnerable. Whether they are professionals like doctors, nurses, first-responders, therapists, etc. or family members tending children, elders or those with special needs, care givers face two challenges.

Like all of us they must manage the endless ringing bell of arrivals to our in-box, the daily barrage of data that lure our brains to sort and file. Distractions are a hazard to holding presence.

Having coached many of them, I have also found that care givers have a proclivity for self-neglect. In his meditation guide, Moment by Moment: The Art and Practice of Mindfulness, Jerry Braza quotes a nurse whose favorite slogan is “I can’t do you if I don’t do me.”

What does it mean to “do me?” How we answer will differ for each of us, but our answers will have the same goal: the more we can be present to ourselves, the more effective we will be in being available to others.

We can do three things: be mindful of our own needs, give ourselves permission to meet them and make the time required. When we recharge our batteries with rest, exercise and spiritual practice; when we expand our minds, cultivate the relationships that are most dear to us and have fun, we are better prepared to extend and sustain the gift of presence.

What is one step you can take today that will help you most to “do me?”

Categories Coaching, Performance, Relationships

Smarts or Smiles?

August 13, 2015 //

Which is more effective in solving difficult problems, a group of intellectual superstars or a team of individuals who focus on building relationships? In his latest blog Alan Seale shares the answer.

Seeking to understand what makes some groups more successful and productive than others, researchers at MIT brought together hundreds of volunteers, put them in groups and gave them very difficult problems to solve. As was expected some were more successful than others.

Contrary to expectations, the highest achieving groups were not those made up of “superstars’ or people with exceptionally high IQs. Instead, the research showed the key to success was the social interconnectedness of the people within the group.

These findings are congruent with Alan’s own work on transformational presence and leadership, and I urge you to visit his website to learn more about his teaching and coaching. Being present to another person creates a container of safety that invites sharing and taps talent.

Embedded in Alan’s blog is a TED talk presented by entrepreneur and thought leader, Margaret Heffernan. In the talk she describes the MIT studies in greater detail and makes a compelling case for how building social capital leverages organizational effectiveness.

Describing the successful groups in the study, she used a phrase that sticks with me still: Bringing out the best in others is how they found the best in themselves. Given the fissures in relationships today, be they between two individuals seeking to strengthen their partnership or tribal adversaries who must learn to coexist, this is a compelling bridge to build.

Who or what brings out the best in you? When and how do you bring out the best in others?

Categories Coaching, Leadership, Performance, Relationships

Gifts from the Herd

August 6, 2015 //

Each of us belongs to many groups; among them are families, faith communities, professional networks, political parties, tribes of origin and nations. Some are given and some we choose. They are circles whom we influence and who influence us.

At their finest these groups recognize and affirm who we are. They bring out our best. They protect us and advocate on our behalf. They celebrate collective milestones and individual life passages.

Certainly, the power of groups can also have a dark side, but those dynamics are themes for another post. Today I celebrate the gifts received from one particular group.

Last September I retired from coaching students in a two-year certification program. Created by Melisa Pearce with help from Peggy and me, the Equine Gestalt Coaching Method enables practitioners to partner with horses in helping clients break through to achieve their full potential in life. The students and graduates of the program are a professional community.

Of the many gifts I have received from this herd – including appreciation of equine wisdom, lessons in leadership and follower-ship, trust, sharing, friendship, personal growth and professional challenge – I share one today that has enabled me to develop a latent interest. Thanks to their generosity I have been able to attend a series of workshops to learn skills associated with wood-turning. I have just completed my last session which resulted in the cherry bowl pictured below.

I share it as an expression of gratitude to the EGCM herd. For me it represents the challenge, beauty and nuance of any human endeavor inspired and nurtured by a special community.

What are the gifts that you contribute to and receive from your circles of influence?

Categories Coaching, Relationships

Building Bridges of Compassion

July 23, 2015 //

The collapse of a highway bridge in California this week is a compelling image. Our failure to rebuild our crumbling infrastructure mirrors our reluctance to invest in strengthening the connections that link us inextricably to each other and all life on the planet.

Our willingness to permit the chasms of commerce, class, race, religion and politics to divide is dooming us all. Can we build bridges to withstand the forces of human nature as well as Mother Nature?

We hear the naysayers’ answer daily. Those of us who would answer YES can begin by first tending the geography of our inner landscape.

Research on the brain is confirming what the experience of millennia has taught us about ourselves. Our ability first to survive and then to thrive results from the dance between our emotions and our cognition, our “heart” and “head.” Our ability to balance the two is key. Too much feeling without a rational reality check leads us astray and vice versa.

The good news is that our literal life-giving breath provides a transformative tool. Athletes, artists, counselors and those who meditate know this well. Training expands aerobic capacity and improves our health. Deep breathing interrupts cycles of fear, reducing stress. Breathing with focus and gentle intention creates a channel of mindfulness between head and heart, a conduit that brings the wisdom of each to the other.

Gaining perspective, balance and control of our own being is the first step in cultivating life-generating relationships with others. In words from Thich Nhat Hanh, Our breath is our bridge from our body to our mind.

An informed heart is our most powerful ally in spreading compassion. May your mindful breathing today launch ripples of peace within and outward to all whom you meet.

Categories Coaching, Relationships, Spirituality

I Will Not Dishonor My Soul

July 16, 2015 //

Each day the media spins its stories of our human condition. Most often we see what sells, the dark side of our fear that leads to greed, hatred, degradation, violence and destruction. Like images in a hall of mirrors the distortions of the dark side become the reality we perceive as our nature.

It is difficult not to yield to despair in the face of the ways we treat each other and our planet. At the same time, each of us contributes to the fear / love equation by our choices each day.

I have taken to searching for those whose lives, work and writing lift up the goodness and promise of our human journey. Without messages that nourish the light of our souls, how else can we survive individually and as a species?

Diane Ackerman provides today’s inspiration, reminding me that my attitude and my actions make a difference. May you find a gem in her words to nurture your soul as well.

In the name of the daybreak and the eyelids of morning and the wayfaring moon and the night when it departs,

I swear I will not dishonor my soul with hatred, but offer myself humbly as a guardian of nature, as a healer of misery, as a messenger of wonder, as an architect of peace.

In the name of the sun and its mirrors and the day that embraces it and the cloud veils drawn over it and the uttermost night and the male and the female and the plants bursting with seed and the crowning seasons of the firefly and the apple,

I will honor all life – wherever and in whatever form it may dwell – on Earth my home, and in the mansions of the stars.

Categories Personal Growth, Relationships, Spirituality

Lessons From A Garden

July 9, 2015 //

Climbing their lattice of bamboo and twine to a height of eight feet, the peas quickly staked their claim as the most visibly prolific performers in this year’s family garden. Less ostentatious, the radishes provided counterpoint in the ground. A bountiful teacher, the garden is a metaphor for mindfulness.

Through their gifts to each other last Christmas our younger son and his mother conspired to invest our small garden plot with a new approach. A carpenter by trade, his gift was to build raised beds and trellises, start the seeds early indoors and do the heavy lifting. Her gift was a set of grow lights and her knowledge from past experience. Together they agreed to tend the plot regularly.

The visible progress to date is a plethora of vegetables in various stages of growth toward harvest. Less apparent but longer lasting are the lessons this project is teaching. Certainly, there are the hours spent planning the plot and its contents; constructing the beds and selecting, ordering and planting the seeds. However, the more enduring lessons are the following.

The cultivation of intention and follow through
The give and take of partnering in a journey
Accepting responsibility for the things we can control and letting go of those things we can’t (e.g. the weather, seeds that don’t germinate and taxes paid at night to four-legged visitors)
New awareness (e.g. natural allies like the tree swallows who swooped in daily to feast on grubs and beetles and a family of foxes who appeared as the voles began burrowing into the beds and moved on as the borrow mounds subsided).

Most bountiful to this spirit is to observe a son’s new found interest and a spouse’s maternal joy in a joint project with one of her offspring.

Categories Inspiration, Spirituality

The Power of Words

July 2, 2015 //

Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me. Taught by parents to an earlier generation of children as a defense against the cruel words of taunting peers, the verse betrays the reality. Name calling does hurt; think of the number of teen suicides in response to bullying.

The power of words is particularly evident in our cultural, religious and political conflicts. Wherever each of us stands on the spectrum of right to left, we know what phrases to expect from the other side and which are most effective for us to use from our own arsenal. Like an ice berg many of these words are code for a much larger load of assumptions and beliefs below the surface.

Take your own pulse for a moment. What thoughts or feelings come up with the following words? Flag. Second Amendment. Amnesty. Compromise. Forgiveness. #BlackLivesMatter. Marriage. Heritage. Amazing grace…

Our words help us declare who we are and what we stand for, our integrity. They can be weapons we use to defend ourselves or attack others. They also are tools for understanding, bridge building and reconciliation. The choice is ours – daily.

Words can inspire as in Rachel Remen’s contribution to Prayers for a Thousand Years, a compilation of hopeful expressions for the new millennium.

May we find each other in the silence between the words.

May we heal the loneliness of our expertise with the wisdom of our service.

May we honor in ourselves and all others the deep and simple impulse to live, to find sacred space and open land.

May we remember that the yearning to be holy is a part of everyone and the only hope for the next thousand years.

Categories Inspiration, Leadership, Personal Growth, Relationships, Spirituality

Dealing with Aversion

June 24, 2015 //

The murders in Charleston last week coupled with the carnage committed elsewhere in this country and around the globe, are repugnant as killings and as instruments of racism. They are so aversive to my values and beliefs they leave me grappling with how to respond. I offer three thoughts.

The first is to share my unrest and invite your perspectives. How are you confronting these realities? What are your reflections, suggestions and actions?

Next, I seek to understand. If my head holds reasons why, my heart will more likely tap its courage for action. I believe that fear is the opposite of love. In order to alleviate our fears, most of us tend to affiliate with the familiar – faces, places, values and beliefs. Bolstered by our cohorts WE tend to define THEY as different and potentially threatening; we put THEM in the boxes of OTHER, where it is easier for us to control, manipulate, win, vilify or destroy. Our current politics and social media provide a mirror.

Another lens for understanding is our history and the values of those who settled this continent. Vestiges of their religious views, white patriarchy and slavery-based commerce persist today. A still larger lens would be to view our values and actions in relation to the survival of the planet.

Lastly, I am one individual with limited time. How do these events refocus me on my soul’s journey? Buddhism teaches that one root of suffering is aversion. Luke reminds Christians that the kingdom of God is a destination within each of us (17:21). Exploring those things that are most aversive may help my heart discover a new depth of love within and the courage to shine its brightness into the darkness without.

Categories Leadership, Personal Growth, Spirituality

Composing the Balance

June 18, 2015 //

A dose of anxiety can help us achieve our peak performance, but too much stress can immobilize us and endanger our health. Think of toxic conditions at work, conflicts in relationships, acting to please others and over-committing ourselves. How do we find the balance?

Our body has an amazing capacity to regulate itself in seeking balance, homeostasis. Think of how it maintains its core temperature. When cold, it shivers to generate warmth. When hot, it sweats to dissipate heat. These are involuntary responses. If we pay attention, we can use them as barometers of balance and health.

For example, when our brain senses we are in peril, it floods our body with adrenaline, cortisol and other hormones that mobilize us to fight or flee. We can feel our heart pound and our pulse race in preparation. However, if the real or perceived danger is sustained and our emergency response chemicals persist in our body, they can damage our heart and weaken our immune system. At some point symptoms of dis-ease will surface in discomfort, pain or lumps.

We compose our lives with the decisions we make. Becoming aware of our body’s signals to us is the first choice in regaining equilibrium. Other decisions include seeking help in resolving intractable conflicts and declining when asked to add one more commitment to an over-extended schedule. Choosing to make time for self-care is essential – walk, read, ride, practice yoga, meditate.

There is a Buddhist invocation that reminds us of the goal to seek balance in living. I have adopted a version of it as an aspiration for composing my life. It is simple but full of truths to ponder.

May I dwell in the great equanimity free from attachment, aversion, aggression and prejudice.

Categories Coaching, Performance, Personal Growth, Spirituality