I am a problem solver and a doer, and when it comes to seeing people wrestling with life’s challenges I tend to want to “fix it.” In part it may be a guy thing, or it may be related to my temperament.
As a coach and a caregiver, however, I have to check myself, because this tendency does not serve me or my clients well. It is more important for me to help them clarify their challenge(s) and their options and then hold the space for them to choose their course.
The same applies to our more intimate relationships. If you are also a “fixer,” today’s meditation from Mark Nepo in The Book of Awakening is a good reminder to us.
“Frequently, this reflex to solve, rescue, and fix removes us from the tenderness at hand. For often, intimacy arises not from any attempt to take the pain away, but from living through together; not from a working out, but from a being with. Trust and closeness deepen from holding and being held, both emotionally and physically.
I’m learning, pain by pain and tension by tension, that after all my strategies fail, the strength of love waits in receiving and not negotiating; in accepting each other and not problem solving each other; in listening and affirming each other, not trying to change or fix those we love.”
sacredlead 
A powerful reminder for me. I have been a nurse for too many years and in that role I am most often dealing with people in pain. They have pain, I give them medicine. Done! As I am trying to end this career I am finding that the only way to cope with it is to connect with my patients on a deeper emotional level. I love them to the point of often getting tearful. But the results have been amazing. They love me back??? Is that why I am doing it? I do not know.
Then I go to my job as an acupuncturist and again I have the struggle of them wanting to be fixed, to be pain free and I find myself giving them suggestions as to how they should do whatever. I am trying to fix, or solve. I have to pull myself back to breathing and accepting and letting my needles do their work. Yet my ego worms its way in and I feel like I have failed if I cannot get rid of their physical pain. Yes I read the article on self compassion…and will buy her book.
Very lovely website Bob. Thank you.
Chichio
Thank you, Chichio, for sharing some of your journey as a healer. What a balance you describe – a dance between your empathy and letting go of outcome. Blessings to you in your calling.
Excellent reminder Bob!
Yes… so often we hold the space for someone, listen with an open heart, and then, as if by instinctual duty try to solve. We may begin our responses to a friend’s outpouring with “I think you need to…” or “If it were me, I would…” but in the end, it it may not be our job to fix or solve, and it doesn’t really matter what we think.
Or if the issue involves us, there is the defense mechanism that switches on to explain ourselves or the situation, so as to “right” or bring light to our involvement, when what is needed is just the space to accept what is, especially if we have participated in a situation that has created friction or pain in a relationship. Especially in these times, it is good to take a deep breath, see the person and one’s Self as the same divine source, and accept without explaining. Clarity comes when we give up the desire to be right or defend and to see what “is” without the cloud of our ego.
If we can just be a witness (and allow others to be our witness), wrap someone in our compassion and hold them tenderly (and allow ourselves to be held), and honor whatever “is” at that moment, the need to solve dissipates, leaving the sweet surrender of humility–and the dignity in being affirmed with love.
Beautiful post, Katie. Thanks so much for these inspiring thoughts; they will help us all hold each other in humility and love.