To Start All New…

January 1, 2013 //
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The following is a New Year’s FB post from a young woman I know and admire. Her courage and spirit continue to surface while waiting for a four-organ transplant. May her message inspire you the way it did me to begin the year, and, whatever your spiritual practice, may you hold her in the energy of light and love.

Tonight, I hope all of you have a wonderful time, whether you go out or just chill at home. It’s our chance to start all new, see big things happen and say, “2013 was a _____ year, wasn’t it?” Let’s make that word positive.  Do things for others you wouldn’t normally do; spend more time with people you may not stop to think of much; stop to be in the moment; walk in other people’s shoes for a second or two!

Hopefully if we change the world’s attitude to more grateful and happy about just being healthy and being here, then more people awaiting transplants like me will get them and that will give more opportunity to make even MORE happy and grateful for what they got.

Categories Inspiration

A Light for All Seasons

December 24, 2012 //
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Each day we light candles and oil lamps in our home. It is not because we don’t use electricity to see at night. Nor do we avoid the technology of lasers or LEDs. After all, solar panels power our house.

Rather, the flame’s flicker signals our deeper connections of the spirit. The candles attend our daily meditations. They bless our meals. They stab the darkness with gentle spikes that give us strength to deflate our fears. They accompany our celebrations. We light them to remember loved ones, special seasons and rites of passage.

The greatest gift in lighting candles may be to remind ourselves of our purpose in life.  When stripped of all pretense and presumption, that purpose may be nothing more and nothing less than offering the light and warmth of our love to all around us.  May that flame burn brightly today and all seasons of our life.

Categories Personal Growth, Spirituality

The Guest House

August 14, 2012 //
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A friend who is living with an invasive and aggressive cancer posted this poem on his Caring Bridge page.  It is not an easy thought to embrace, and I wonder about his ruminations on it in the middle of his nights.

Unsettling as it is to our conventional ways of answering our doorbell, it is an invitation to each of us to reflect on a deeper definition of our soul’s hospitality.

THE GUEST HOUSE – Jelaluddin Rumi (translation by Coleman Barks)

This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing and invite them in. Be grateful for whatever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.

Categories Personal Growth, Spirituality

Who Defines You?

July 20, 2012 //
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The presidential campaigns employ a powerful strategy: define the opponent before he can define himself.  Better to be seen on the offensive than defensive!

A twist on that dynamic raises a life lesson I encounter in coaching. Too many of us accept someone else’s definition of who we are and then spend most of our energy on defense. Should we be surprised that our lives are out of alignment?

Of course, we have been defined by others since our childhood beginning with our parents and siblings. Soon, it is our teachers and peers and advertisers telling us who we are and who we should be.  Our acceptance of these messages becomes our story. Repeated often enough, we accept the story as our destiny. It defines us.

Unfortunately, like the political campaigns these stories are often based on others pointing out our deficiencies – lack of looks, lack of smarts, lack of ability, lack of ambition. They tell us these things out of anger in the moment or to put us down in order to build themselves up. Too often we accept the messages. We give the power to others to define us.

Creating our own narrative is the most sacred task we have been in given in life.  The key to writing a new history begins with a decision to leave the “lacks” in the past, acknowledge our innate power and step fully into it.

We can begin by answering these questions.  What do I care most deeply about? What are the things I do well? What is the story I want to create for myself and live now?

Categories Coaching, Leadership, Personal Growth

Fix it…or not

July 6, 2012 //
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I am a problem solver and a doer, and when it comes to seeing people wrestling with life’s challenges I tend to want to “fix it.”  In part it may be a guy thing, or it may be related to my temperament.

As a coach and a caregiver, however, I have to check myself, because this tendency does not serve me or my clients well.  It is more important for me to help them clarify their challenge(s) and their options and then hold the space for them to choose their course.

The same applies to our more intimate relationships.  If you are also a “fixer,” today’s meditation from Mark Nepo in The Book of Awakening is a good reminder to us.

“Frequently, this reflex to solve, rescue, and fix removes us from the tenderness at hand.  For often, intimacy arises not from any attempt to take the pain away, but from living through together; not from a working out, but from a being with.  Trust and closeness deepen from holding and being held, both emotionally and physically. 

I’m learning, pain by pain and tension by tension, that after all my strategies fail, the strength of love waits in receiving and not negotiating; in accepting each other and not problem solving each other; in listening and affirming each other, not trying to change or fix those we love.”

Categories Coaching, Personal Growth

Three Marriages

June 13, 2012 //
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My soul mate is on a plane to Denver.  Tonight she will visit our youngest, and then she will head north to work with students we coach in the equine certification program.  Our house is quiet, the sky filled with clouds, the earth awaiting rain.

Yesterday we celebrated our anniversary.  We had a relaxed dinner at a place whose cuisine we enjoy.  It was very different from a year ago when our children surprised us with a gala barbecue that filled our home with family, friends, music and laughter.

Reflecting on our years together, I am reminded of a friend’s observation that those who choose marriage end up in three relationships.  They can be with the same person or different people.  I can see that ours has followed that pattern in 20-year chapters.

The first relationship was marked by the passion of exploring the attractions that drew us to each other, creating a life together, stuttering starts in employment and the miracles of four children.  It ended on some bumps that led to a defining recommitment.

The second relationship accompanied a deepening of the professional pursuits we each adopted and attending to parental responsibilities, as our children bounced their way through adolescence and launched into adulthood.

We are now in our third marriage, living many of the dreams that our hearts embraced long ago – children who love and honor us and each other as siblings, a home on a hill with a view, a business of our own that delivers the values of what we have learned over the years.  Did I mention our grandchild?

We continue as companions of each other’s history.  We focus on the joy in each day and gently prepare for what lies ahead.  With deepest gratitude we celebrate the blessings that have come our way and that we are to each other, one marriage of three relationships.

Categories Growing Older

Legacy

May 31, 2012 //
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We spent Memorial Day weekend with our four-year old granddaughter and her loving mother and father.  We also spent time with some of my high school classmates.  It was a bookends experience: the limitless possibilities of childhood, where all the world is a stage, and the more focused potential of our senior years, where the triumphs and scars of experience guide the choices we make in creating our present moments.

The wonder of a four-year old was somehow mirrored in the delight of aging companions.  It is only now, two years after our 50th, that some of us are meeting almost for the first time like somewhat familiar strangers.  Over the course of a leisurely and abundant meal the grace that decades of living have taught us brought stimulating conversations and heartfelt sharing.  Whether formally retired or not, the energy to make a difference still pulses in us.

It matters little whether the connections are new or rekindled.  They are threads of a shawl that will join us together in warmth, fellowship and support for the years remaining.

Memorial Day pays tribute to those whose service and sacrifice made possible moments like we shared this past weekend.  To the extent that each of us celebrates with child-like wonder the days given to us, contributes our gifts to the commons and offers our deepest gratitude for being alive and the freedoms we enjoy, we honor their legacy.

Categories Growing Older

26.2 Metaphor

April 26, 2012 //
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The Boston marathon took place last week on one of the hottest days in its history.  Having run it in 2003, I have some appreciation for what it takes to qualify and to complete it.  More than a marathon, it is metaphor, which is why many people do it.

Emblazoned across the 2003 poster that hangs in our workout room is a phrase that I see every time I step onto the treadmill.  Everything you ever needed to know about yourself you can learn in 26.2 miles.

Some of the lessons to be learned by extending oneself physically include: setting personal goals for the event; discovering the training discipline that works for you to meet those goals; persevering through the days when you don’t feel like it; listening to what your body is telling you; and stretching your body to do more than it ever has before.  At some point you realize that the physical challenges are really just the tools for training your mind to be positive in attitude and consistent in effort.

Each of us has much to learn from our own versions of 26.2 miles.  What are your metaphors?  Starting your own business?  Releasing a fear that has defined you most of your life?  Committing to a relationship?  Raising children?  Caring for animals?  Speaking from the podium or performing on stage?  And what are the small steps you are taking each day to build your attitude and effort for success?

Whatever your marathon, I encourage you to embrace it whole heartedly, and I salute you for going for it!  Stretching your comfort zone in service to your purpose and passion can provide everything you ever needed to know about yourself.

Categories Performance, Personal Growth, Spirituality

What got you here

April 16, 2012 //
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This past week I learned to administer the EQ-i 2.0, a leading assessment of emotional intelligence (EI). During my training I came across a stunning statistic: 72% of the reasons leaders fail are attributable to their neglect of two factors – interpersonal relationships and self-management.  These are building blocks of emotional intelligence.

In his book, What Got You Here Won’t Get You There, Marshall Goldsmith identifies 20 specific behaviors that senior leaders often exhibit to their detriment.  Below are a few examples.  Do any of them sound familiar?

  • Adding too much value: the overwhelming desire to add our two cents to every discussion.
  • Making destructive comments: the needless sarcasms and cutting remarks that we think make us sound sharp and witty.
  • Passing judgment: : the need to rate others and impose our standards on them.
  • Speaking when angry: using emotional volatility as a management tool.
  • Refusing to express regret: the inability to take responsibility for our actions, admit we’re wrong, or recognize how our actions affect others.

Whether we are in formal leadership positions or “merely” leading our lives, we do well to pay attention to the ways we manage ourselves and the impact of our behavior on others.

We can begin by identifying one habit that we would like to change.  We can then ask ourselves, what is one small step I can take to begin changing it?  Then, as Marshal Goldsmith prescribes for the CEOs whom he coaches, we can “go public” by telling the person(s) most affected that we are committed to changing that behavior.  Finally, we can ask for their support by gently reminding us when we fall short and affirming us as we change.  Doesn’t this process seem like the emotionally intelligent thing to do?

Categories Leadership, Personal Growth

Chasing the right things

March 26, 2012 //
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I am reading Mitch Albom’s Tuesdays with Morrie, enjoying the dying professor’s insight and wit and the author’s simple and compelling delivery.  I read a few pages each day, savoring their lessons and charm.  Today’s excerpt holds a lesson for me and perhaps you as well.  In this passage sportswriter Albom recounts an experience while covering Wimbledon.

“On one particularly crazy day, a crush of reporters had tried to chase down Andre Agassi and his famous girlfriend, Brooke Shields, and I had gotten knocked over by a British photographer who barely muttered “Sorry” before sweeping past, his huge metal lenses strapped around his neck.  I thought of something else Morrie had told me:

So many people walk around with a meaningless life.  They seem half-asleep, even when they’re busy doing things they think are important.  This is because they’re chasing the wrong things.  The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.  I knew he was right.”

My task today and everyday is to wake up and make sure I’m chasing the right things.

Categories Personal Growth, Spirituality
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